My friend was getting married in another city. I was all excited and planned to attend but was taken aback when I told my husband about it and he opposed. It was a flight away, rough town, and I would have to spend a night at a hotel. I guess he had his reasons but I couldn’t believe it. We were only a few months into our marriage and this was the first time we had a serious conflict of opinions. I was used to having my mother influence my decisions – Yes, No, or Okay but here are the conditions. Now it seemed my husband was going to assume that role.
Two possible reactions. Go into a rage, ask why he wants to ‘control me’, and question the basis of his decision… then tell him I’m a grown woman, I can decide for myself, and proceed to do what I wanted… OR… Remind myself that I got married to a reasonable man and he has my best interest at heart, and that I signed up for this kind of interference when I said ‘I DO’.
WHAT DID I REALLY DO WHEN I SAID ‘I DO’?
People often desire that marriage will bring out the best in them and that everything will be beautiful and blissful. Some assume they’ll always have things go their way especially if their spouse expressed love for them during courtship with several acts of selflessness, but what sort of union would it be if one continually made sacrifices while the other carried on in jolly land, no shift, no change, no adjustments?
My husband’s mentor often said, ‘marriage is the crucible God uses to shape sons’. The events of your life as a couple are opportunities to grow, change, evolve, gain mastery, become wiser, learn humility, become a better team player, and ultimately become the best version of yourself. This would be the case in a healthy union where each party truly seeks the good of the other. In this case, marriage would make you.
But can marriage mar you? Ah! Listen to the stories of pain, hurt, abuse, deception… but this doesn’t have to be your story.
That’s why each person has a lot of work to do before you say ‘I DO’. You need to ask yourself real and hard questions such as: What am I really doing? What am I signing up for? Who am I permanently bringing into my space? Who am I giving a position of continuous influence in my life? and who am I empowering to make potentially life altering decisions on my behalf if ever I am unable to. You need to know before you say I DO.
So talk, listen, ask questions, pay attention to the answers, observe, investigate, do your background check, pray, discuss with mentors, seek counsel from elders, pray again, and seek to understand things that aren’t clear. Open every cupboard so you can be sure there are no skeletons, and if there are, you decide whether you’re comfortable living with that for the rest of your life. Bottom line – deploy all your arsenals and do your part to know as much as possible before you say I do.
How did we resolve our matter?
We sat and discussed, and he shared his concerns and together, we came up with a way to let my friend and her husband know that we care for them and are happy about their union. It didn’t matter at all that I was absent. Her wedding was a beautiful celebration of love… and as they lifted their glasses to toast to unending love, I revelled in the one I had, with assurance that he’s got my back.
Note to self: Take responsibility. Do your due diligence. Look and be sure it’s safe before you leap!
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Today’s post is a Guest Feature by Anietie Bature. Anietie wears many hats, she is a Singer, Songwriter, Engineer, Blogger and Vlogger. She is married to Kingsley Bature and they have three lovely children. She is the voice behind two of my favorite songs ‘My Whole Life’ and her recently released single, ‘Today’. You can follow her on www.anietie.com.
Here is her new song ‘Today’ for your listening pleasure.
Thank you Anietie for sharing your thoughts with us on relationships.